Tuesday, July 10, 2012

strength and doubt

Sometimes I crave quiet; there are nights when I couldn't buy five minutes of quite with a hundred dollar bill. Tonight though, with only the sounds of a summer storm for company this old house seems like it needs a few kids and a wife running around making noise and playing with the damn dog. But they aren't here, and I guess this is what it’s like to miss some one, but that's really not what I'm wanting to elaborate on tonight.

Webster’s Dictionary defines strength as follows: " the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance." I'm not sure that old Webster gives the word's meaning justice. Strength is a rare gift that is not given, it is earned. It's not something people need every day, but when hard times come there is nothing more valuable. In the last few weeks I have leaned heavy on not my physical strength, but the kind that is built into a person's insides. The kind of strength some folks call grit. Without it I would not have been able to look my wife in her eyes and say "We are OK." I would not have been able to say good bye to old friends and walk away with the relationships and dignity in tack.

I have learned from countless hours at the gym that the problem with strength is that there is only so much of it. There comes a point when there is no more to call on. So what then? When all of it is gone will there be enough grit to push through? This inevitably leads me to doubt.

Doubt (noun):  uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making (Websters Dictionary). HOLY COW THAT SOUNDS BAD!!! If there ever was an emotion that a person in my kind of situation can't afford, it has to be doubt. Walking into an unknown future alone is tough enough, but I'm walking into it with a wife a two kids. This is no time for anything that interferes with decision-making. I have never been short on confidence nor I have ever been one for wondering what might have been, but things are a bit different these days. Even before any decisions have to be made, I am forced to wonder if the one I make will be the right one. I know that my little family will go wherever I ask them to go. I know that they will support me no matter what, but knowing that does not lessen the pressure to make the right decision.

Apparently, for now anyway, doubt will be part of my life. But I haven't run out of strength yet either. I'm hopeful that I will be able to find a place inside where strength and doubt intersect. That should be a healthy place to move forward from. Ya'll wish me luck.

Tonight's post is inspired by a song call "Strength and Doubt" by Son Volt. (its a good song)

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